Me 1. Demons 0.

So…I have been struggling lately with urges to self-harm and suicidal ideation. Today, those urges felt especially intense. But this time, I used my skills.

I practiced STOP and opposite action. I followed my safety plan. I distracted myself with a very hot shower and gave myself enough time and space to calm down and regain control of my thoughts.

I had the razor blade in my hand.

And then, something different happened.

I set it down. I backed away. I chose not to make things worse.

To me, this was a major win.

In the past, I probably would have cut—at least a little. But this time, I didn’t. Not at all. That matters. It may not seem like much to someone else, but for me, it feels huge. Progress is not always dramatic; sometimes it looks like putting down the blade and surviving the moment.

Anna, you would be proud.

The hard part is that even though I am getting help, the urges are still there. I am in treatment, and I talk with my therapist at PHP, but it is different from individual therapy. There is only so much support available in those moments when everything feels overwhelming.

And honestly, I don’t always know what to do with these urges. I’m trying. I’m using my skills. I’m reaching for help. But I am still struggling to understand how to live with thoughts that feel so loud.

Still, today reminded me of something important: I can survive an urge. I can pause. I can choose differently. And maybe healing starts there—one hard-earned victory at a time.

More later…