The Hard Part of Coming Home

Possible Trigger Warning: This post discusses self-harm urges and recovery.

I am not recommending self-harm as a coping mechanism. Self-harm is often a sign that additional support is needed. If you are struggling, call or text 988, or text "HOME" to 741741 to connect with someone who can help.

So...

Lately, I have been dealing with some very difficult thoughts. They have been hard to manage, and I have been relying heavily on my DBT skills to help me get through them.

I've spent a lot of time wondering why my urges have become so intense. When I first came home from residential treatment, I was doing fairly well. I had made progress and built some momentum in addressing my depression, anxiety, and trauma. The urges were still there, but they felt manageable.

Now, it feels like I am fighting for my life.

Recently, it occurred to me that there may be a reason for this. Every day in PHP (Partial Hospitalization Program), I am actively confronting my trauma and anxiety. That work is important, but it is also exhausting. At the same time, life at home is very different from life in residential treatment.

Residential treatment is a safe and highly structured environment. There are no sharps readily available, daily routines are established, and self-harm is much more difficult to act on. That's not to say it never happens there, but the environment provides many layers of protection and support.

At home, those safeguards are gone. Since returning, I have tried to jump back into the routines and responsibilities of everyday life. I am trying my best, but often I feel like I am falling short. Sometimes I wonder if I am strong enough.

More than anything, I want the urges to quiet down. I know they may never disappear completely, but even a little relief would be welcome. I am tired of fighting. I am tired of feeling this way. This has been a lifelong struggle, and there are days when the weight of it feels overwhelming.

What I want most is to feel capable of managing my emotions and urges without feeling like I am constantly battling them. I want to trust myself. I want to believe that recovery is possible.

Tomorrow is another day. Maybe it won't feel as dark as the last few days have felt. Maybe I will find a little more strength, a little more hope, and a little more peace.

For today, I will keep going.

I can do this.

And if you're struggling too, you can do this.