Seven Days
So…If you live in Minnesota, you may have heard about the Minnesota Paid Leave Program. If you ever need to apply for benefits, learn from my experience: submit your application within seven days of the start of your leave.
I applied about two weeks after my leave began, and that delay created a complicated situation. The doctors involved in my treatment would only certify my leave beginning on the date I entered their program, not the actual date my medical leave started. That discrepancy caused a major headache.
Recently, I had to go to court for an appeal involving my employer. According to the paperwork, my leave appeared to begin later than it actually did. As a result, the state determined that I received two weeks of Paid Leave benefits that I may not have been eligible for. Now I may have to repay those benefits.
Needless to say, it has been a stressful experience. At this point, I am waiting for the judge's ruling and hoping for the best.
If there is one piece of advice I can offer, it is this: apply for Minnesota Paid Leave within seven days of the start of your leave. Doing so could save you a great deal of stress, paperwork, and uncertainty.
More later…
More Tattoos I want
So…Here are a few more tattoos that I want:
A paper crane—for Anna.
A ; tattoo—my story is not over.
An & tattoo—the great dialectic “And”
The Seal of Rambaldi
An Oragami Paper Crane Tattoo
Ampersand Tattoo
The Seal Of Rambaldi
A Semicolon tattoo.
Almost There
So...I've started posting again on X (@madzander_1) and Instagram (@madzander.david). I wanted to reconnect with everyone and share what I've been up to since taking medical leave from school.
I have about four weeks left in my treatment program, and then it will be time to start thinking about returning to the classroom. It's hard to believe how much has happened over the past several months. Recovery has not been easy, but I can honestly say that I am beginning to feel like myself again.
I'm not exactly the same person I was before. In many ways, this experience has changed me. I still carry the scars of what I've been through, and I still have intrusive thoughts related to my trauma from time to time. The difference is that those thoughts no longer control me. They are manageable, and I have the tools to work through them. A big thank you to CBT and DBT for helping me get to this point.
I know there is still work to do, but for the first time in a long while, I am genuinely looking forward to returning to school. I'm hopeful that these next few weeks go well and that I can continue building on the progress I've made.
More later...
PHP to IOP
So…Today I am graduating from PHP (Partial Hospitalization Program) to IOP (Intensive Outpatient Program). Instead of attending treatment all day, I will now be going for half-days. It feels like an important step forward, even though I have mixed emotions about it.
I have made a great deal of progress over the past several months, but I still struggle with self-harm urges. Part of me thinks they should have faded by now, yet they are still there. Maybe that is simply part of my journey, something I will continue to manage one day at a time rather than something that disappears overnight.
Every day I see the scars I gave myself, and they are painful reminders of one of the hardest chapters of my life. They remind me of the fear, the depression, and the anxiety that I have fought so hard to overcome. But perhaps there is another way to look at them. Maybe they are not just reminders of pain. Maybe they are battle scars, evidence that I survived a fight against mental illness that often felt impossible.
This journey has been long, exhausting, and incredibly difficult. There have been setbacks, moments when I wondered if I would ever make it through, and days when hope felt very far away. Yet I am still here. I am still doing the work. I am still choosing recovery, even on the days when it is hard.
As I begin IOP, I know there is still work ahead of me. Recovery is not finished just because I am taking the next step in treatment. But I also know this: I have come farther than I ever thought I could. For the first time in a long time, I can see the possibility that this experience will not only heal me, but strengthen me. And that gives me hope.
Rolodex little People
So…
Last year, someone at school was giving away a stack of old Rolodex cards. I grabbed them without really knowing why. Sometimes you just have a feeling that something might come in handy someday.
As it turns out, they make the perfect canvas for art.
Lately, I’ve been creating my Little People drawings on the cards. Their small size makes each one a fun creative challenge, and I love giving these forgotten office supplies a new purpose.
Here’s one of my favorites. I’d love to hear what you think. Leave a comment and let me know!
A curvy line of Little People on a Rolodex card.
Little People in Windows.
Early To Rise Is Early To Rise
So…
It seems that sleep has become a stranger lately. For the past week or so, I’ve been waking up around 4:00 a.m. every morning and usually give up trying to fall back asleep by 4:30. It’s not because I’m staying up too late. I’m usually in bed by about 10:00 each night.
The problem is that my mind refuses to shut off.
Anxiety, depression, worries about my upcoming Minnesota Paid Leave court date (next week, and I’ll let you know how it goes), and Written Exposure Therapy (WET) all seem to compete for my attention. By the time morning arrives, I’m already exhausted. Sleep deprivation makes it harder to think clearly and even harder to keep my emotions in check.
One thing that has been helping is walking. I’ve been walking about five miles a day at a pace in the low 15-minute miles. It feels good to move my body, even though the Minnesota heat has made those walks a little more challenging. I put on some music and try to focus on the rhythm of my steps, but my mind often wanders back to everything that is weighing on me. Rumination has a way of following you, even on the longest walks.
I know I’m doing important work. I’m trying to get to the root of my trauma and finally begin to heal. But healing is hard work.
If you’ve been following along, you know that I was sexually assaulted when I was 13 years old. I buried those memories for forty-three years. Everything finally came to a head on January 26, 2026, when I ended up at EmPATH. Since then, I’ve been climbing out of a very deep depression. While I’ve made progress, the anxiety has been much more stubborn. It doesn’t seem ready to let go.
Some days, anxiety feels like a constant companion, whispering worst-case scenarios and making even ordinary tasks feel overwhelming. Every day is an exercise in pushing back against it and choosing to keep moving forward.
What helps you manage anxiety? If you have something that works for you, I'd love to hear about it. Leave a comment and share your ideas.
Today, I’m tired. I’m irritable. But I’m still here, and I’m going to keep doing my best. Sometimes, that's enough.
More later…
Insomnia Strikes Again
So...
For the past week or so, I've been waking up much earlier than usual. I toss and turn throughout the night until, eventually, I'm just awake. I'll lie in bed for a while, ruminating, before finally deciding to get up and start my day.
If there's a silver lining, it's that those quiet early morning hours give me time to get a lot done. According to my Oura Ring, though, I've accumulated more than five and a half hours of sleep debt. I definitely feel like I'm dragging.
I know that poor sleep can make my depression and anxiety worse, so I've been paying close attention to how I'm feeling. Thankfully, today has been a good day. My maladaptive urges are under control, and the world doesn't seem quite so dark. When I'm exhausted, it's much easier for depression and anxiety to creep back in, so I need to stay vigilant and continue using the skills I've learned.
Part of what has made this week so challenging is Written Exposure Therapy. Confronting trauma is incredibly difficult. It asks you to revisit memories that you've spent years trying to avoid. It is painful, exhausting, and emotionally draining.
I also find myself feeling angry. I'm the one living with the anxiety, the sleepless nights, and the emotional aftermath, while the person who assaulted me has never been held accountable. That reality is hard to accept.
As much as I wish I could, I cannot change what happened. I can't erase the past. What I can do is choose how I respond today. I can continue doing the difficult work of healing, even when it hurts. I can acknowledge what happened, refuse to let it define my future, and keep moving forward one day at a time.
More later...
The Hardest Pages
So...
Today was another Written Exposure Therapy (WET) writing day. I explained what WET is and how it works in an earlier post, so I won't go into the details again here. When I wrote that post, however, I hadn't actually experienced a writing session.
Now I have completed three.
The first two sessions were incredibly difficult. In fact, the emotional aftermath was so overwhelming that I ended up in the hospital after them.
Today, I feel emotionally drained. I also feel guilty and ashamed.
Writing about something so painful is incredibly difficult. Even though the trauma happened many years ago, the memories still feel as vivid as if they happened yesterday. The emotions come rushing back with remarkable intensity.
The hardest part is that a part of me still believes it was my fault. Somewhere deep inside, I still hear the voice telling me that I asked for it. That belief has stayed with me for decades, and it is one of the most painful burdens I carry.
For thirty years, I told no one. I kept the trauma locked away because I was overwhelmed by shame and guilt. I couldn't imagine anyone knowing. What would people think? How would my friends react? Would they believe me? Even now, part of me wants to hide it again, bury it, and pretend it never happened.
Written Exposure Therapy doesn't allow that.
Instead, it gently but persistently brings those memories to the surface. At times, it feels as though I am reliving the experience. It is exhausting work, and it asks more of me than I ever imagined.
The difference today is that I am not facing it alone.
I am surrounded by a safe treatment team and a wonderful support network. They remind me that I don't have to carry this burden by myself. The sadness is still there, but this time I have people beside me as I work through it.
Recovery isn't about making the pain disappear overnight. Sometimes it means having the courage to face what you've spent years trying to avoid. As difficult as these writing days are, I hope they are leading me toward healing, one painful page at a time.
North
So...After a couple of difficult weeks, it was wonderful to spend a long weekend in Northern Minnesota. We have some land near Eveleth, Minnesota, and it was exactly the change of scenery I needed.
The Lake Place at sunset.
The weather was beautiful, with just enough rain to keep everything green. It felt good to get away from the cities and, for a little while, out of my own head.
I was able to stay active throughout the weekend. We walked five miles each day, and there was plenty of work to do around the property. We finished mowing the driveway, which is about a quarter of a mile long. It took nearly two hours and added another two miles of walking to the day.
My husband had spent the previous week building a shed, and by the time I arrived, he only needed help installing the roof panels. Those sheets of roofing material were heavy, awkward, and definitely a two-person job, but together we got them in place. We also installed a rain barrier, so the shed will be ready for shingles the next time we head north.
As productive as the weekend was, what I appreciated most was the peace. There is something restorative about being surrounded by trees, fresh air, and the quiet of the lake. For a little while, my anxiety eased, and my self-harm urges were almost nonexistent.
Nature isn't a cure, but it can be a powerful reminder to slow down, breathe deeply, and simply be present. This weekend was exactly what I needed.
The Airstream at the Lake Place.
Thank you, nature.
More later...
A Little Kit with Big Possibilities
So...I recently ordered an art kit from ArtMate, but after giving it some thought, I realized it just wasn't the right fit for me. Fortunately, my mom is also a painter, so I passed it along to her. I know she'll put it to good use.
Instead, I ordered a different art kit along with the matching leather case, and I absolutely love it. I can't wait to take it with me and start painting tiny watercolor pieces.
The Walnut Watercolor Kit with the accompanying leather case.
I also wanted to give a shout-out to the people at ArtMate. Somehow, I misplaced my order confirmation email, and Cynthia was incredibly helpful. She quickly tracked down my order and made sure everything was taken care of. It's always refreshing to receive such kind and attentive customer service. It made the whole experience a very positive one.
More later...
One Session at a Time
So...I have discovered that Written Exposure Therapy is incredibly difficult. It asks you to revisit painful memories that you have spent years trying to avoid. While I know that processing trauma is an important part of recovery, it doesn't make the process any easier.
So far, I have completed two writing sessions. They brought up so much anxiety and suicidal ideation that I needed additional support. I ended up spending two days at EmPATH at Fairview Hospital. I was in crisis, and I needed a safe place to stabilize. The staff there did an excellent job of helping me reset, calm down, and get back on my feet.
On Tuesday, I will begin writing again. I don't know exactly how it will go, but I do know that recovery often means continuing forward even when the path is difficult. I'll take it one session at a time.
More later...
THINKING SMALL
So…I love painting and creating little pieces of art (you can check out my Little People page), so I thought it would be fun to combine those interests and try my hand at "Tiny Painting."
My mom recently gave me The Big Book of Tiny Painting by Leslie Stroz (thanks, Mom!), and it inspired me to dive into this miniature world. I also discovered some wonderful tiny watercolor kits at ArtMate and recently picked up one that looked perfect for getting started.
There is something appealing about creating art on such a small scale. Tiny paintings seem like little windows into bigger worlds, and I am excited to see where this new creative adventure takes me.
I can't wait to give it a try, and of course, I'll share the results with you when I do!
More later…
Sometimes We Forget
So…When we are struggling with our mental health, it is easy to forget to celebrate the victories we have achieved. Depression, anxiety, and trauma can act like blinders, narrowing our focus until all we can see is pain and exhaustion. The difficult feelings become so overwhelming that it seems impossible to recognize how far we have come. Some days feel so dark that there appears to be no joy and no way beyond the hurt.
Today feels a little lighter.
A friend recently reminded me that I have come a long way in this journey. Since January, I have been to EmPATH, Depression Recovery PHP, Depression Recovery Residential, and Trauma PHP. Along the way, I have learned DBT skills, explored CBT concepts, and begun the difficult work of facing the traumas in my life. None of it has been easy. There have been setbacks, painful moments, and days when I wondered if I was making any progress at all.
But I am not the same person who walked into EmPATH on January 26th in crisis.
My journey is far from over, and I know there will be more challenges ahead. There will be difficult feelings and setbacks because recovery is rarely a straight line. But today I can see something that is easy to miss when I am hurting: there has been progress. I have developed skills I can rely on, and I have been blessed with a strong and caring support network. To all of the people who have walked beside me, encouraged me, and supported me, thank you.
Today, at least for a little while, I can see hope. I can see that there is a way forward, and I believe I am headed in the right direction.
If you are on your own mental health journey, I hope you will take a moment to celebrate your victories too. They do not have to be dramatic. Sometimes simply getting out of bed, asking for help, using a skill, or making it through a hard day is worth celebrating. Progress may be slow, and it may come with setbacks, but progress is still progress.
And that is something worth celebrating.
More Later…
What to do When…
So…Since beginning this recovery journey, my partner has sometimes found it difficult to understand and support some of the maladaptive behaviors I struggle with. Recovery can be challenging not only for the person who is suffering, but also for the people who care about them.
Having a strong support network is important. Supportive friends, family members, and loved ones can help keep us grounded and provide encouragement when emotions become overwhelming. I know the people in my life want the best for me and genuinely care about my well-being.
The challenge is that many people do not know how to respond to self-harm or suicidal ideation. These topics can be frightening, confusing, and uncomfortable to talk about. As a result, loved ones may feel unsure of what to say or do, even when they want to help. Learning how to support someone who is struggling can make a significant difference in their recovery and remind them that they do not have to face their pain alone.
Self-harm
Supporting someone who self-harms can be challenging, but your presence, compassion, and patience can make a meaningful difference.
What You Can Do
Listen without judgment.
Stay calm if they tell you they self-harm.
Let them share as much or as little as they want.
Avoid reacting with shock, anger, or disappointment.
You might say:
"Thank you for telling me."
"I'm glad you trusted me with this."
"I'm here to listen."
"That sounds really painful."
Validate their feelings.
You don't have to agree with self-harm to acknowledge their emotional pain.
For example:
"It sounds like you've been carrying a lot."
"I can see that you're hurting."
"That must be exhausting to deal with."
Encourage professional support.
Self-harm is often a sign that someone is struggling with overwhelming emotions and could benefit from additional help.
You might ask:
"Have you talked with a therapist about this?"
"Would you like help finding support?"
"Would it help if I sat with you while you made a call or sent a message?"
Help them identify coping skills.
Different skills work for different people, but possibilities include:
Going for a walk
Calling or texting a trusted person
Journaling
Drawing or creating art
Holding ice cubes
Using grounding exercises
Practicing breathing or mindfulness techniques
Using skills from therapies such as DBT
Check in regularly.
Recovery is rarely a straight line. A simple text such as, "Thinking of you today—how are you doing?" can remind someone they are not alone.
What to Avoid
Don't shame, criticize, or punish them.
Don't demand promises like "Never do it again."
Don't make the conversation about your fear or frustration.
Don't assume they are seeking attention. Self-harm is usually an attempt to cope with intense emotional distress.
If There Is Immediate Danger
If they have injured themselves seriously, are talking about ending their life, have a suicide plan, or you believe they are in immediate danger, seek emergency help right away.
In the United States:
Call 911 for an immediate emergency.
Call or text 988 to reach the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline.
Remember
You can be a source of support, but you cannot be their therapist or carry responsibility for their recovery. The most helpful role is often to be a caring, consistent person who listens, validates, and encourages them to get the help they need.
A simple message like, "I care about you, and you don't have to go through this alone," can be more powerful than trying to find the perfect solution.
Suicidal Ideation
If someone is experiencing suicidal ideation, one of the most important things you can do is take them seriously, listen with compassion, and help them connect with support.
Listen and Be Present
Often, people who are struggling need to feel heard more than they need advice.
You might say:
"I'm glad you told me."
"That sounds incredibly painful."
"You don't have to carry this alone."
"I'm here with you."
Avoid minimizing their feelings with statements like:
"You have so much to live for."
"Others have it worse."
"Just think positive."
Even when well-intended, these responses can make someone feel misunderstood.
Ask Directly About Safety
It is a myth that asking about suicide puts the idea into someone's head. If you are concerned, it is okay to ask directly:
"Are you thinking about suicide?"
"Have you thought about how you would do it?"
"Do you have a plan?"
These questions can help you understand the level of risk and show that you are willing to talk openly.
Encourage Professional Support
Help them connect with:
A therapist or counselor
A psychiatrist
Their primary care provider
A crisis line
You can offer practical help, such as:
Sitting with them while they make a call
Helping them schedule an appointment
Driving them to an appointment if appropriate
Stay Connected
Isolation can make suicidal thoughts worse.
Consider:
Checking in regularly by text or phone
Inviting them for a walk, coffee, or another low-pressure activity
Reminding them that they matter to you
Simple messages can be powerful:
"I've been thinking about you."
"How are things today?"
"You don't need to go through this by yourself."
Help Them Use Their Existing Coping Skills
If they are already in treatment, encourage them to use the skills they have learned, such as:
Reaching out to supportive people
Grounding techniques
DBT distress-tolerance skills
Mindfulness exercises
Safety plans created with their therapist
Know When to Seek Emergency Help
If they:
Have a specific suicide plan,
Have access to the means to carry it out,
Express intent to act soon,
Or cannot commit to staying safe, treat it as an emergency.
In the United States:
Call 911 or local emergency services if there is immediate danger.
Call or text 988 for crisis support and guidance.
Take Care of Yourself Too
Supporting someone with suicidal thoughts can be emotionally demanding. It is okay to seek support for yourself, set healthy boundaries, and recognize that you cannot single-handedly keep another person safe.
The most valuable message you can often give is:
"I care about you. I'm glad you told me. Let's figure out the next step together."
More Later…
Learning SELF-Compassion
So...one thing I have been working on lately is self-compassion. If I'm being honest, it doesn't come naturally to me. I often bombard myself with negative self-talk and find it difficult to offer myself the same kindness and understanding that I would readily give to someone else. The truth is, I really need more self-compassion in my life.
Self-compassion is the practice of treating yourself with the same kindness, care, and understanding that you would offer a good friend during a difficult time. According to psychologist Dr. Kristin Neff, self-compassion has three core components:
Self-Kindness vs. Self-Judgment
Being gentle and understanding with yourself instead of criticizing yourself harshly when you make mistakes or feel inadequate.
Common Humanity vs. Isolation
Recognizing that suffering, failure, and imperfection are part of the shared human experience. We all struggle, and none of us are alone in our pain.
Mindfulness vs. Over-Identification
Acknowledging difficult thoughts and emotions without judging them or becoming overwhelmed by them.
I have found this practice challenging. When my anxiety increases, it becomes difficult to see anything positive about myself. My inner critic gets loud, and kindness is often the first thing to disappear. The good news is that self-compassion is a skill, and like any skill, it can be learned and strengthened through practice.
One of the ways I am practicing self-compassion is by writing three self-compassion statements every day. Dr. Neff's framework provides a simple structure:
1. Mindfulness: Notice What You're Feeling
I am feeling ______.
This is a moment of ______.
2. Common Humanity: Remember You Are Not Alone
It makes sense that I feel this way because ______.
Many people experience ______.
I am not alone in this.
3. Self-Kindness: Offer Yourself Compassion
I can be kind to myself by ______.
What I need right now is ______.
May I give myself the same kindness I would give a friend.
A simple self-compassion statement might look like this:
"I am feeling ______. It makes sense that I feel this way because ______. I am not alone in this struggle. I can be kind to myself by ______."
For example:
"I am feeling lonely. It makes sense that I feel this way because I have been spending a lot of time by myself lately. I am not alone in feeling lonely; many people experience this. I can be kind to myself by reaching out to a friend and reminding myself that this feeling will pass."
Learning self-compassion is not easy, especially if you have spent years criticizing yourself. However, it is an important skill. Research has shown that self-compassion can reduce stress, improve emotional well-being, and even increase motivation.
As I continue my recovery journey, I am committed to practicing self-compassion and giving myself the grace that I so often give to others. Some days will be easier than others, but I will keep trying.
If you struggle with self-compassion too, know that you are not alone. It is a skill that can be learned, one kind thought at a time.
Self-Compassion Links
The Power of Self-Compassion | Harvard Health
What is Self-Compassion? | Self-Compassion Institute
Self-Compassion | Center for Clinical Interventions | Government of Western Australia
Self-Compassion | Wikipedia
Practicing Self-Compassion | American Psychiatric Association
How to Practice Self-Compassion: 8 Techniques and Tips | PositivePsychology.com
ANNA?
Dear Anna,
I haven't heard from you in a while, and I hope you are doing well.
I've been having some struggles of my own lately, but I am working hard to get through them. The last time we talked, you were getting ready for discharge. I hope everything went smoothly. I remember how anxious you were about it, and I completely understand. I felt the same way when I discharged. It's a difficult transition, and it takes time to adjust.
I hope you're finding your footing and taking things one day at a time. You are incredibly capable, intelligent, and resilient. I know you have the strength to make it through the challenges that come with recovery.
You once told me that we were in this together, and I want you to know that I still feel the same way. Even though we may not be in touch right now, I am thinking about you and wishing you the very best. If you happen to read this, please know that I am rooting for you and your recovery every step of the way.
Take care of yourself.
Your friend,
David
17 Feet of Feelings
So…while I was in residential treatment, we had Art Therapy, and one of the projects I was assigned was called The Coping Wheel of Emotions. You can read more about the project here. I finally had some time to take pictures, and I wanted to share the finished book with you.
17 feet of Emotions.
The pages are made from watercolor paper, while the covers are constructed from cardboard and construction paper. Because of safety restrictions in residential treatment, I wasn't allowed to use an X-Acto knife, so I had to cut everything with scissors. As a result, some of the pages aren't perfectly square or exactly the same height.
I'll admit that bothered me a little. But it also gave me an opportunity to practice radical acceptance. The book isn't perfect, but it is the best I could make with the tools and materials I had available at the time.
When fully unfolded, the book stretches an impressive 17 feet long.
I used two color systems throughout the book. At the top of each page, you'll see a gradient that moves from dark to light. At the bottom of each page, I used red and blue to categorize the emotions. Red represents a distressing emotion, while blue represents a goal emotion.
Pages from the Emotions Book.
For each distressing emotion, I included DBT skills that can help reduce or manage that feeling. For each goal emotion, I listed activities or actions that may help evoke that emotional state. Every page also contains a definition of the emotion and a small "Little People" illustration to accompany it.
Pages from the Emotions Book
Overall, I'm really happy with how it turned out. It was a challenging project, but it taught me a lot about emotions, coping skills, and accepting imperfections. I think it came together beautifully.
The Hard Part of Coming Home
Possible Trigger Warning: This post discusses self-harm urges and recovery.
I am not recommending self-harm as a coping mechanism. Self-harm is often a sign that additional support is needed. If you are struggling, call or text 988, or text "HOME" to 741741 to connect with someone who can help.
So...
Lately, I have been dealing with some very difficult thoughts. They have been hard to manage, and I have been relying heavily on my DBT skills to help me get through them.
I've spent a lot of time wondering why my urges have become so intense. When I first came home from residential treatment, I was doing fairly well. I had made progress and built some momentum in addressing my depression, anxiety, and trauma. The urges were still there, but they felt manageable.
Now, it feels like I am fighting for my life.
Recently, it occurred to me that there may be a reason for this. Every day in PHP (Partial Hospitalization Program), I am actively confronting my trauma and anxiety. That work is important, but it is also exhausting. At the same time, life at home is very different from life in residential treatment.
Residential treatment is a safe and highly structured environment. There are no sharps readily available, daily routines are established, and self-harm is much more difficult to act on. That's not to say it never happens there, but the environment provides many layers of protection and support.
At home, those safeguards are gone. Since returning, I have tried to jump back into the routines and responsibilities of everyday life. I am trying my best, but often I feel like I am falling short. Sometimes I wonder if I am strong enough.
More than anything, I want the urges to quiet down. I know they may never disappear completely, but even a little relief would be welcome. I am tired of fighting. I am tired of feeling this way. This has been a lifelong struggle, and there are days when the weight of it feels overwhelming.
What I want most is to feel capable of managing my emotions and urges without feeling like I am constantly battling them. I want to trust myself. I want to believe that recovery is possible.
Tomorrow is another day. Maybe it won't feel as dark as the last few days have felt. Maybe I will find a little more strength, a little more hope, and a little more peace.
For today, I will keep going.
I can do this.
And if you're struggling too, you can do this.
Suicidal Tendencies
I have been dealing with a lot lately, and I have been using my DBT skills to manage the intense urges that keep coming up. So far, I haven't acted on them, and I am proud of that. At the same time, I am exhausted from feeling this way all the time.
I want to get these urges under control. I want to feel normal. This has been a lifelong battle, and lately, it feels like I am losing.
Since January 26, 2026, I have been to EmPATH, completed residential treatment, and participated in a trauma PHP. I have put in a tremendous amount of effort, yet I still feel much the same as I did when this journey began. Sometimes it makes me wonder if any of it is working.
The truth is, I am trying. I am trying every day. But it is hard. I feel deeply sad, and even the simplest tasks can require an enormous amount of energy. Some days, just getting through the day feels like a victory.
Lately, I have noticed myself losing hope, and that is a difficult place to be. Hope is often what keeps us moving forward when progress feels invisible.
Even so, I know I have to keep trying. I have to keep using my skills, taking things one day at a time, and pushing through the moments when it feels impossible. Recovery is rarely a straight line, and sometimes the progress we make is harder to see than we would like.
For now, I am holding on to the possibility that tomorrow might feel a little better than today.
Call or text 988 | 988 Lifeline
Text “Home” to 741741 | Crisis Text Line
