What to do When…
So…Since beginning this recovery journey, my partner has sometimes found it difficult to understand and support some of the maladaptive behaviors I struggle with. Recovery can be challenging not only for the person who is suffering, but also for the people who care about them.
Having a strong support network is important. Supportive friends, family members, and loved ones can help keep us grounded and provide encouragement when emotions become overwhelming. I know the people in my life want the best for me and genuinely care about my well-being.
The challenge is that many people do not know how to respond to self-harm or suicidal ideation. These topics can be frightening, confusing, and uncomfortable to talk about. As a result, loved ones may feel unsure of what to say or do, even when they want to help. Learning how to support someone who is struggling can make a significant difference in their recovery and remind them that they do not have to face their pain alone.
Self-harm
Supporting someone who self-harms can be challenging, but your presence, compassion, and patience can make a meaningful difference.
What You Can Do
Listen without judgment.
Stay calm if they tell you they self-harm.
Let them share as much or as little as they want.
Avoid reacting with shock, anger, or disappointment.
You might say:
"Thank you for telling me."
"I'm glad you trusted me with this."
"I'm here to listen."
"That sounds really painful."
Validate their feelings.
You don't have to agree with self-harm to acknowledge their emotional pain.
For example:
"It sounds like you've been carrying a lot."
"I can see that you're hurting."
"That must be exhausting to deal with."
Encourage professional support.
Self-harm is often a sign that someone is struggling with overwhelming emotions and could benefit from additional help.
You might ask:
"Have you talked with a therapist about this?"
"Would you like help finding support?"
"Would it help if I sat with you while you made a call or sent a message?"
Help them identify coping skills.
Different skills work for different people, but possibilities include:
Going for a walk
Calling or texting a trusted person
Journaling
Drawing or creating art
Holding ice cubes
Using grounding exercises
Practicing breathing or mindfulness techniques
Using skills from therapies such as DBT
Check in regularly.
Recovery is rarely a straight line. A simple text such as, "Thinking of you today—how are you doing?" can remind someone they are not alone.
What to Avoid
Don't shame, criticize, or punish them.
Don't demand promises like "Never do it again."
Don't make the conversation about your fear or frustration.
Don't assume they are seeking attention. Self-harm is usually an attempt to cope with intense emotional distress.
If There Is Immediate Danger
If they have injured themselves seriously, are talking about ending their life, have a suicide plan, or you believe they are in immediate danger, seek emergency help right away.
In the United States:
Call 911 for an immediate emergency.
Call or text 988 to reach the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline.
Remember
You can be a source of support, but you cannot be their therapist or carry responsibility for their recovery. The most helpful role is often to be a caring, consistent person who listens, validates, and encourages them to get the help they need.
A simple message like, "I care about you, and you don't have to go through this alone," can be more powerful than trying to find the perfect solution.
Suicidal Ideation
If someone is experiencing suicidal ideation, one of the most important things you can do is take them seriously, listen with compassion, and help them connect with support.
Listen and Be Present
Often, people who are struggling need to feel heard more than they need advice.
You might say:
"I'm glad you told me."
"That sounds incredibly painful."
"You don't have to carry this alone."
"I'm here with you."
Avoid minimizing their feelings with statements like:
"You have so much to live for."
"Others have it worse."
"Just think positive."
Even when well-intended, these responses can make someone feel misunderstood.
Ask Directly About Safety
It is a myth that asking about suicide puts the idea into someone's head. If you are concerned, it is okay to ask directly:
"Are you thinking about suicide?"
"Have you thought about how you would do it?"
"Do you have a plan?"
These questions can help you understand the level of risk and show that you are willing to talk openly.
Encourage Professional Support
Help them connect with:
A therapist or counselor
A psychiatrist
Their primary care provider
A crisis line
You can offer practical help, such as:
Sitting with them while they make a call
Helping them schedule an appointment
Driving them to an appointment if appropriate
Stay Connected
Isolation can make suicidal thoughts worse.
Consider:
Checking in regularly by text or phone
Inviting them for a walk, coffee, or another low-pressure activity
Reminding them that they matter to you
Simple messages can be powerful:
"I've been thinking about you."
"How are things today?"
"You don't need to go through this by yourself."
Help Them Use Their Existing Coping Skills
If they are already in treatment, encourage them to use the skills they have learned, such as:
Reaching out to supportive people
Grounding techniques
DBT distress-tolerance skills
Mindfulness exercises
Safety plans created with their therapist
Know When to Seek Emergency Help
If they:
Have a specific suicide plan,
Have access to the means to carry it out,
Express intent to act soon,
Or cannot commit to staying safe, treat it as an emergency.
In the United States:
Call 911 or local emergency services if there is immediate danger.
Call or text 988 for crisis support and guidance.
Take Care of Yourself Too
Supporting someone with suicidal thoughts can be emotionally demanding. It is okay to seek support for yourself, set healthy boundaries, and recognize that you cannot single-handedly keep another person safe.
The most valuable message you can often give is:
"I care about you. I'm glad you told me. Let's figure out the next step together."
More Later…