Bad?
So…Written Exposure Therapy (WET) has led me to think a lot about the idea of good versus bad.
As many of you know, I was sexually assaulted when I was 13 years old. During that assault, I did things that I have spent decades believing were "bad." I have carried the belief that I participated and that I asked for it. That is where I find myself stuck.
It leaves me asking one question over and over:
Am I a bad person because I did things that I believe were bad?
Merriam-Webster defines bad as "not good, poor in quality, or wrong. It describes things that fail to meet a standard, cause harm, or feel unpleasant."
My mind takes that definition and turns it inward. If I believe I participated in my own assault, does that mean I am not good?
These thoughts have followed me throughout my life. In Trauma Group, we have been learning about Maladaptive Schema Theory. There are eighteen maladaptive schemas, and several of them seem to describe the way I have lived for years: Defectiveness/Shame, Vulnerability to Harm, Social Isolation, and Negativity/Pessimism.
Looking back, I can see how those schemas affected my relationships. I rarely let people get close to me, and when they did, I often pushed them away. Keeping people at a distance felt safer than risking being hurt again. Unfortunately, that also meant hurting people who cared about me. There is a trail of broken relationships that I deeply regret.
Those experiences reinforce the belief that I am somehow a bad person.
My therapist has challenged me to question these beliefs instead of simply accepting them as facts. That is incredibly difficult. My mind keeps returning to the same painful conclusions. I think about the people I have hurt. I think about the assault. I think about the guilt and shame that I have carried for forty-three years.
Forty-three years is a long time to believe something about yourself. Those beliefs become so familiar that they begin to feel like truth, even when they may not be.
I don't have the answers yet. I am still doing the hard work of facing these memories and challenging the beliefs that have shaped my life. Recovery is not about finding instant answers. Sometimes it is simply about being willing to ask difficult questions and continuing to move forward, one day at a time.
More later…
If you are carrying guilt or shame from your own past, know that you are not alone. Healing is possible, and every step you take toward understanding yourself is a step toward hope.