I have schemas????
So…I have been doing some work on schemas. A schema is a cognitive framework that plays an important role in how our existing knowledge interacts with new information. Schemas work subconsciously to evaluate the information we encounter every day. Most of the time, we are unaware of how they operate, yet they strongly influence how we perceive our surroundings and the people in them.
Some schemas work well, while others can be a major hindrance. Schemas allow our brains to take “shortcuts” when interpreting the vast amount of information we take in. That sounds helpful, right? Well, not always. Sometimes these cognitive frameworks cause us to ignore important information and focus only on details that support our preexisting beliefs and biases. This can make it difficult to gather and retain new, useful knowledge about the world around us.
Schemas are also resistant to change, which means it can take significant effort to reshape them. Schemas are not necessarily negative, but some are considered maladaptive. Most people have several schemas—some serve us well, and others do not.
There is a helpful survey that can identify personal schemas. I took the assessment and learned that I have several maladaptive schemas. Here are my top four:
Negativity/Pessimism
Defectiveness
Social Isolation
Failure
Among several others, these are the ones that stood out most. I will go through them one by one.
Negativity/Pessimism
This schema can develop in children whose parents are depressive or negative, or in children who experience severe adversity early in life. It is characterized by seeing the glass as half empty—focusing on the negative side of life, expecting things to go wrong, and engaging in catastrophic thinking.
Defectiveness
This schema can develop when a child grows up in a rejecting environment. It is characterized by the belief that something is seriously wrong with you, along with low self-esteem and feelings of being defective or unworthy of love and respect. It often includes strong feelings of shame or embarrassment about perceived flaws and fear that those flaws will be exposed.
Social Isolation
This schema can develop when a child grows up in an isolated environment or feels different from others in meaningful ways. It is characterized by the belief that you do not belong anywhere, feeling different or disconnected, expecting rejection or criticism, and experiencing social anxiety.
Failure
This schema can develop when parents do not encourage independence, goal-setting, or the development of skills and confidence. It is characterized by the belief that you have failed, will fail, or are currently failing at life. It includes feelings of inadequacy, incompetence, and low self-confidence, along with strong negative emotions related to perceived failure.
I do not write about these schemas to blame my parents. Many factors influence how schemas develop. Family environment is one factor, but genetics and experiences outside the family also play important roles.
I am at the beginning of challenging these maladaptive schemas, and I know I have a long way to go. It will take time, effort, and persistence. Right now, I feel like I am standing at the bottom of a huge mountain, preparing to climb it one step at a time.
More later…
So what’s in a name
So…I’ve been working closely with my doctor to better understand what’s going on and to adjust my medications. Getting an accurate diagnosis is important because it helps guide the direction of treatment. Right now, my diagnoses include:
Major Depressive Disorder, recurrent, severe
Generalized Anxiety Disorder
Trauma and PTSD
Borderline Personality Disorder
That’s a lot to carry. My therapist explained that trauma can often contribute to both depression and anxiety, so addressing the trauma directly may help ease those symptoms. We’ve started that work, and it’s incredibly difficult. I’m revisiting feelings and experiences I’ve kept buried and haven’t shared with anyone. But I know that bringing them into the open is an essential step toward healing, even though it feels overwhelming.
At the same time, we’re adjusting my medications. We’re working to taper off one medication because the side effects outweigh the benefits, and the plan is to replace it with something new. We’re also trying to improve my sleep, since I’ve been waking up around 4:00 a.m., which is very early for me.
All of these changes are happening while I’m processing trauma, which has left me feeling emotionally fragile. At times, it’s felt like I’m slipping into a downward spiral. I’m grateful to be in a safe, supportive environment, because outside of it, I might have acted in ways that could have harmed me. I’m doing my best to manage the thoughts and feelings, even though they still come up.
This is a difficult journey. But I am in a safe place. I am in a safe place. I am in a safe place.
More later…
Some Trouble
So…things don’t always go according to plan, and with mental health, the path can feel especially complicated. It’s easy to get thrown off course and end up somewhere really difficult. That’s what happened to me last Sunday.
I was feeling very anxious and tried a technique to calm myself. It helped a little at first, but then a wave of other emotions surfaced and completely overwhelmed me. I started crying and found myself thinking I was a failure, along with strong urges to harm myself and thoughts of suicide. It took a long time for things to begin settling down.
One of the Mental Health Technicians stayed with me the entire time, gently talking me through it. Being in a safe environment—without access to anything I could use to hurt myself—made a real difference.
The experience really scared me. It came on so quickly and felt like a tornado, with painful thoughts spinning so fast I couldn’t think clearly. In that moment, all I could believe was that I was a terrible person who deserved to be punished. I felt breathless, disoriented, my heart racing, and an overwhelming sadness.
I’m still here, but I’m struggling. I’m very grateful to Sarah for her kindness and care. More later…
Day No. Ten
So… I haven’t quite managed to keep up with a daily blog post. Instead, I’m adjusting my expectations and planning to write once or twice a week—maybe three if things line up. My goal is simply to keep you, dear reader, updated on how things are going.
Today I met with my therapist, and together we set some goals for the time I’m here. One goal is to practice being more vulnerable—sharing my thoughts, feelings, and desires more openly. Another is to begin working through some of the trauma I’ve been carrying and suppressing. We’re also focusing on reducing the impact of depression and anxiety. These things don’t simply disappear, but it is possible to learn ways to manage them more effectively. They’re not small goals by any means.
We’re also making adjustments to my medications so they better align with both my genetics and FDA guidelines. Some of the medications I’m taking affect my system in a way that makes the dosage act much stronger than it appears, while another is actually above the typical recommended amount. The plan is to rebalance things and find a more appropriate combination. Since I’m in a safe and supportive environment, this feels like the right time to make those changes—it’s certainly better than trying to manage it all at home.
Today I also had art therapy, which is easily my favorite class here. I sometimes walk in feeling very anxious, but the act of making art helps me settle down and lowers that anxiety.
Right now I’m working on a mask. The outside represents the emotions I show to the world, while the inside represents the feelings I tend to keep hidden. The exterior is painted a deep blue. The interior is currently black with a large red scar running through it. I’m thinking about adding cracks to the blue outer surface, though I’m still deciding what else might happen on the inside.
I’ll share a photo when I’m able.
Wondering: Where is the self?
So…where is the self? Can anyone really find it?
In group recently, we were talking about the relationship between behaviors, emotions, and thoughts. Each one influences the others, and the influence goes both ways. One idea that came up was that we have emotions, but we are not our emotions. We can experience a feeling, but that feeling does not define who we are. It’s possible to step back and notice the feeling in the body and mind, observing it rather than becoming it.
The same idea applies to thoughts. We have thoughts, but we are not our thoughts. Thoughts can be observed as they come and go—almost like leaves floating down a river. There goes a yellow one… and then it’s gone. Thoughts arise, and given enough time, they pass.
So that leaves behaviors. Behaviors are things we do. They are often influenced by our emotions and our thoughts. But are we simply the sum of our behaviors? I don’t think so. Behaviors can change, and they are often temporary. Think of something you’ve done in the past—something good or something you regret. Does that one action define you forever? Most of us would say no. People grow, learn, and move forward.
Then there are our values, which make things even more interesting. Values influence our thoughts, emotions, and behaviors. We can ask ourselves: Are my behaviors aligned with my values? Are my thoughts aligned with my values? Sometimes they are—and sometimes they aren’t. When our thoughts drift away from our values, they can influence behaviors that don’t reflect who we want to be.
In group, we pictured it like this: the traditional DBT triangle shows how thoughts, emotions, and behaviors influence one another. That’s a two-dimensional model, but we expanded it a bit. We imagined values connected to each corner of the triangle. The connections were like dotted lines—almost like bungee cords—flexible and able to move. Why? Because values can shift over time, and so can our thoughts, emotions, and behaviors. None of these things are completely fixed.
Which brings me back to my original question: where is the self in all of this?
Who is the one observing the thoughts, emotions, and behaviors? Who is the one noticing whether they align with our values? And who is choosing those values in the first place?
It seems that some part of us can observe, decide, and choose. Some people call this the authentic self—the driver of the bus that carries our values, behaviors, thoughts, and emotions along the road.
But that leads to another question: how do we find that self? And how do we work with our authentic self if we can’t quite locate it?
Just something I’ve been thinking about. More later…
Day No. 6
So…Saturdays here feel a little different from the usual weekday routine.
This morning we had an outing and drove to a local thrift store. We had hoped to go to a bookstore, but there was an accident on the highway, so our plans changed. I ended up finding a few great pieces—J.Crew jeans, a KÜHL jacket, and some Banana Republic shorts—and spent very little money. A little retail therapy every now and then can be a good thing. It was also just nice to get out for a while.
We also had some work time and group. During group we played Contexto, which is a really fun word game. For the last activity of the day, we did karaoke. I had never done karaoke before, but I gave it a try and sang three songs—very much out of key the whole time. It was still a lot of fun. A few people here can really sing, which made it even more enjoyable to listen to.
Now we have some free time. I’m planning to read for a bit and then head to bed early. I’m still waking up at four in the morning—ugh! The upside is that it gives me some quiet time to write letters. At that hour no one else is up, and the silence is actually quite nice.
More later…
Day No. 5
I’ve been meaning to keep up with these blog posts more regularly than I have. The program I’m in keeps us very busy. Much of our work centers on Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), both are research-based approaches that are proven to help with depression and anxiety.
It has been quite a whirlwind of a week. I’ve only been here four and a half days, and I’ve already had more appointments with doctors and therapists than I’ve had over the past couple of months. Through it all, everyone continues to be incredibly supportive and kind.
Yesterday we had a Recreational Therapy session that involved a climbing activity. The challenge began with climbing a wobbly rope ladder and then stepping onto a suspended four-by-six board hanging from the ceiling by ropes. From there, participants would move across four boards of varying lengths to complete the course. It was definitely a challenge.
Before each climb, the therapist spoke with the climber about their goals and how they were feeling in the moment. She was encouraging and supportive throughout the process. As people climbed, she checked in with them about what they were experiencing emotionally. When someone expressed fear, she asked them to pause and helped them talk through it—encouraging them to sit with the feeling and use strategies to work through it. When they felt ready, they continued the climb.
I didn’t get a chance to climb this time (a bit of a bummer), but I was part of the support team for the others. It was inspiring to watch people face their fears and accomplish the goals they had set for themselves.
My first weekend here is coming up, and the schedule still looks fairly full. I’ll let you know, dear reader, how it goes. More later…
Day No. 2
So…this is day two. I’ve been awake since 4:00 a.m. and got up around 4:30, which surprised the person working at the desk. I went out to the day room with my books and my reMarkable tablet (a device I really love) and spent some quiet time reading and writing.
There’s no regular coffee here—only decaf—so I haven’t had any caffeine. I’ve had a pretty intense headache all day. Caffeine withdrawal is no joke.
I’ve participated in several groups and worked on my assignments. They keep us very busy, which I know is part of the process. It takes real effort to make progress with this illness. I’m just at the beginning and have a long road ahead, but I’m here and doing the work.
Depression and anxiety suck!
I’m here and here I’ll Stay
So… if you’ve been following along, you know I was preparing to enter Residential Care for depression and anxiety. I’m here now. I was admitted this morning.
It’s been a challenging day. I’ve filled out countless forms, answered many questions, and had my belongings searched. A few items were restricted or not allowed—paint brushes because of the metal piece that holds the bristles. Better safe than sorry.
My anxiety is high, and the urges I struggle with haven’t disappeared. When I feel overwhelmed, I want to ease the anxiety by cutting. I know that isn’t a healthy coping strategy. I’m here to learn better ones.
One technique that’s been especially helpful for me is called “Temperature.” You place an ice pack on your forehead, lean forward so your head is lower than your heart, hold your breath, and count to thirty. It often gives me a “brain freeze” feeling—like eating ice cream too fast. The sensation sort of shocks my system and interrupts my thought pattern. It really does help. The hard part is remembering to use it in the moment.
The facility itself is nice, and the people here have been kind and welcoming. I’ve met most of the others on my floor, and they’ve been generous in helping me figure out where to go and what to do.
This is going to be a long journey, but I’ve taken the first step. More later…
Today’s the Day
So…Today I leave for the program. I’m traveling by train to Milwaukee. I am sad to be leaving everything behind and I’m anxious about the future. Everyone says that it’s the right decision and that it will be very good for me, but from here, right now, it’s hard to see. To leave your loved ones and your support network behind is a challenge. I won’t see them for a while, unless it is by phone. Bummer. The grandkids will grow and change, my husband will be on his own, and I will be doing the hard work of trying to put myself back together. Here I go. More later…
A Farewell
So…tomorrow is good-bye day for awhile. I am leaving my husband and family support system to enter into residential care. I am sad and anxious. I will be there for two to three months—a long time. I will be safe there and I will be able to deal with the urges I have in an enviroment without sharps and bottles of pills. That’s most important. Then I will be able to focus on myself and try to relieve this crushing depression and anxiety. I hate this disease. I robs me of, not only my will to be alive, but also any of the pleasure there is in life. It hurts. Yesterday, was bittersweet. I am sad that I left a place with very helpful and good people. I found some relief there. Now, I am anxious about the unknown, but hopeful I will find new place with good, helpful people. A place where I can heal or at least put a big dent in this fucking (pardon my French) disease. More later…
Quick changes
So…changes are happening fast. I was told two days ago that I had to wait and it would probably be about a week or two. Yesterday, I found out the new program starts on Monday in Oconomowoc, WI. So, things are happening fast and maybe too fast for a hyper anxious person (that’s me). I am taking the Amtrack train down to Milwaukee on Sunday and my sister is picking me up. I stay over night at her house and then she is dropping me off at my inpatient program. I have a lot to do between here and there: packing—they gave me a list(thank you), getting the right kind of personal hygine items(alcohol cannot be listed in the first three ingredients), and packing art supplies. I am taking my watercolors and a ton of good paper. It’s just all happening so fast. To top things off, my best friend is coming to stay with us this weekend. It’s a bit of a mess. So, even though I’m anxious about the whole thing, I am going to take it hour by hour, minute by minute, and get things done one at a time. Sounds like a plan. More later…
A New Painiting
Just a little thing to take my mind off everything. More blue and more squares. It’s a little crooked, but I like it.
Jewel-tone squares.
More Waiting
So…I am waiting again. At the time of my application to Residential, they had space. While we were getting all the required paperwork done, they filled those spaces. So now I have to wait. I will still go to my current treatment until they open up a space. My current treatment is a PHP (partial hospitialization program) that runs during the day from 8:30 am to 3:00 pm. The people there are really great and I would recommend them to anyone. If you want to know where I’m going send me a quick email—I don’t want to say in the blog. They use CBT and Behavior Activation as ways to combat depression and anxiety. As I wait, I miss my class and all the great kids in it. They have a good sub and I hope he is being nice to my room. So, I will wait. More later…
Waiting, Waiting.
So…I am in hold mode. I am waiting on the referral, my leave paperwork, the Minnesota Paid Leave paperwork, and the insurance confirmation. A lot of extra stress when I don’t need it. My family has been really supportive and a little troubled. It is difficult for me, but it is also difficult for them. I am getting the help I need, but they have little help. They watch and worry. It is another stressor I worry about. So dear reader, we soldier on and try to keep it all together.
Tattoos I want
So…I really like tattoos and want to get some more sometime. Here are some pictures of ones I want.
I want the General computer image for the tattoo.
A Happy Mac tattoo.
Hello Kitty Skull
Semicolon Tattoo
Sakura Blossoms
More Crazy
So…I am going to be going to a residential care facility because I can’t stay safe in the meiliu I am in now. I am very anxious about this, and my depression has gotten worse. But I am fighting it and need this extra help to keep going. This disease has taken a toll on my family and me. I will keep you updated, dear reader.
My Journey Through Crazy
So…I have been struggling with depression and anxiety for a long time. It has since gotten the better of me and I am trying to work through it. I was hospitalized for three days and now I’m in a PHP program. They are teaching me skills and techniques on how to deal with this disease. I am getting a lot of support and care from the staff. It’s been really hard. I have never been this depressed and anxious before. I am going to try and chronicle my journey here.
Joseph and the sea
Joseph and the Sea
Here is another children’s book I have written. Enjoy!
Joseph and the Sea
By David M. Pliska
Joseph walked to the sea.
He went nearly every day.
On days when he was happy, the sea sparkled and splashed. Joseph and the waves laughed and laughed.
On days when he was sad, the sea was misty and forlorn. Joseph and the waves cried salty tears.
On days when he was angry, the sea was rough and tumultuous. Joseph threw rocks at the waves, and the waves crashed and thundered.
On days when he was livid, the sea was stormy. Huge waves smashed the beach. Joseph screamed at the waves, and the waves screamed back.
On days when he was giddy, the sea jumped and played. Joseph giggled, and the waves tickled the beach.
On days when he was bored, the sea was flat and tired. Joseph sat on the cliff above the beach, and his mind wandered. The waves quietly slid up and down the beach.
On days when he was joyful, the sea shimmered and glistened. Joseph skipped along the beach, and the waves kept him company.
On days when he was fearful, the sea was timid and shy. Joseph paced back and forth, and the waves worried.
On days when he was sorrowful, the sea was quiet and didn’t make a sound. Joseph sat on a rock, and the waves pooled around his ankles.
On days when he was loving, the sea was warm and inviting. Joseph stood in the waves, and the waves washed over him.
On days when he was delighted, the sea was excited and foamy. Joseph jumped over the waves, and the waves splashed his shirt.
Joseph and the waves. Joseph and the sea.
Joseph walked to the sea. He went nearly every day.